Tuesday, June 13, 2017

Today, as that is the purpose of this post as advertised by my overly informative title, is Tuesday. Tuesday in my work schedule is like the average cubicle dweller’s Sunday. The end of my weekend. It has come, and now it goes. My room is significantly cleaner than it was when this weekend (Monday-Tuesday) began.

Okay, so let’s talk about my room. I have a single room to myself. I do not live alone. I have acquired the possessions one would expect of a 24-year-old, assuming you skew your expectations to the tech end of the spectrum. I have acquired those possessions, and have crammed them all into a single room that has no closet. Unfortunate side effect? My room is never truly CLEAN. It may be more organized than normal, and I may be able to move around a little more effectively than normal, but I have never, in the years of being in this room, managed to find a way to become truly clean and organized within these four walls.

I’m getting there. I am working slowly towards getting things in order. Getting the right shelves, drawers, desk, etc. to put all the things I have, working towards getting rid of old stuff, and repurposing even more, all working towards an end goal of cleanliness. I have found out that my cleaning style is not the best, but it is the best I can manage in these four walls. I have also realized that if I try to tackle the whole thing at once, I will break someone. I must go slow to win the race, if the tortoise is to be believed as I think he should be.

It’s actually a really good way to work if there is a mountain of work to be done. You wade into the middle of this version of hell, and clean yourself a circle. It doesn’t have to be a large circle. It has to be a circle you can begin to feel comfortable in. Then, you slowly work your way out from the circle. Every time you get tired of cleaning, or you feel overwhelmed, retreat to the circle. Keep that circle pristine, otherwise, your safety net is gone. Slowly work your way out in every direction, always making sure to pick up after yourself in the already cleaned areas, and eventually, you will be doing maintenance rather than repairs.

That has been the majority of my day, to be honest. If I wasn’t cleaning, I was watching Sherlock on Netflix, because Sherlock is one of my favorite shows ever and it takes too damn long to make a season. Normally, on a typical day off, I would be playing Minecraft, because I have a problem, and Minecraft is the name of that problem. Minecraft is a post all by itself… I’m not going there right now. Today, though, it couldn’t hold my interest. I believe it is because I have decided to start playing it standing up. I think that affected my desires to play games in general that weren’t on my phone. Anyways, I managed to be rather productive. That’s the point I was trying to make. It was a day off, a day where I didn’t have to do anything, yet I remained productive.

Go me.

Deuces.

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The Tapering of Relationships: The Ending, or the Beginning?

I don’t get it. I mean, I would like to think I understand people. I feel I normally understand people pretty well, but I just cannot seem to wrap my head around this. I don’t know if it is something I have done, or if it is something on their end, but there is a massive disconnect for reasons I’ve not fully discerned. I have thoughts, and possibilities, but nothing certain. I just wish I could fix whatever it is. I mean, I know I have issues with them, but I do my best to not let it affect the normal everyday functions of life, because that would feel too much like this: stressed, unsure, distant, erroneous.

It could boil down to something very simple, such as we’ve lived together for 24 years and we need to stop doing that, but that’s not an option if I want them to still have a place to live. It could be that there was more stress in the house than normal, though I don’t know where it would have come from. It could be something like waking up on the wrong side of the bed, but I thought I woke up okay, so hopefully, it isn’t me if that’s the problem.

Look, everyone has problems with other people. There’s never a single person on the planet that you know that you don’t have at least one problem with, no matter how small. It’s not possible. However, instead of letting that problem be the only thing you see, instead of letting it rule the relationship, you push it to the side. You move it out of the way so you can focus on something better than that one problem. If you really care, or you are in a long-term relationship with someone, you should work on the problem, in my opinion. Your wife hates that you burp in her face, so maybe, just maybe, you turn away from her to burp. Now, that’s not the most massive change, but it is a change, and I’m sure she would appreciate it. And maybe, once that problem is solved, another pops up. Welcome to humanity where that is bound to happen.

The problem arises when there is a problem, or maybe even problems, and there is no desire to work it or them out. Then what? What can you do? Do you keep trying to work it out, even if you have for years already, or do you call it quits and move on to a different relationship to focus on? I don’t know. I don’t know what to do, or what the right move is. I don’t know what I would do after the initial decision, no matter what that decision was. I have absolutely zero ideas as to what I’m supposed to do here, and I don’t know how to achieve that which I have yet to figure out, and I don’t know what path to take to determine any of the answers to any of these questions.

I feel stuck, and mentally I am stuck. I want to get out of this scenario, this overly complicated, problematic scenario, but I am the only person to blame for me being here. This was MY choice, and if I abandon that choice now, I will have ruined everything I’ve done up until now. If I was just going to give up now, why not before and save myself a hell of a lot of trouble? It would have been so much simpler… I don’t know. I simply don’t know…

Taper

Deuces…

Monday, June 12, 2017

I have already failed myself. I’ve been doing this for less than a week, and already I have missed not one but two days. Consecutive days, at that! I understand what happened fairly well, and I’m working to fix the problem, but I need to not let this happen. Let me explain. I went to work on Saturday and I left the house in a rush. When I did, I forgot to take the notebook with me, meaning I didn’t have it to take notes in all day. When I got home and I hadn’t seen it all day, I forgot that I needed to write here, because the first part of the habit had already been messed up. I went to sleep that night and didn’t write on here, and I didn’t write in my notebook. No words, all day, nothing. Sunday, I got up and forgot the notebook again. This time I wasn’t rushed at all. I simply forgot that I was trying to keep that habit going. I was sitting at work before I realized what I had done. By the time I got home I had forgotten again, and the cycle repeated.

Now, I am having a day off work, and I still didn’t write in the notebook. That is not at all what I wanted, but at the same time, I am doing this. I am still writing here. I am still getting my words out in a way that helps me to think. I am able to form full thoughts and get them out and let my mind do the talking where my mouth so often fails: the formation of full coherent words and thoughts. I don’t know that this will even help me. I mean, I would love it if I could somehow translate this from “Hey look at me! I can’t form a full paragraph of speech without having to stop and remember the words!” over to “Bask in the eloquence of my terminology and phrasing, and know my wonder!” I mean, I don’t see that second part happening. I can’t give myself that much credit, but I will happily accept something in the middle of those two.

Now, I am having a day off work, and I still didn’t write in the notebook. That is not at all what I wanted, but at the same time, I am doing this. I am still writing here. I am still getting my words out in a way that helps me to think. I am able to form full thoughts and get them out and let my mind do the talking where my mouth so often fails: the formation of full coherent words and thoughts. I don’t know that this will even help me. I mean, I would love it if I could somehow translate this from “Hey look at me! I can’t form a full paragraph of speech without having to stop and remember the words!” over to “Bask in the eloquence of my terminology and phrasing, and know my wonder!” I mean, I don’t see that second part happening. I can’t give myself that much credit, but I will happily accept something in the middle of those two.

I spend so much of my day focusing on things other than my thoughts. I mean, meditation is a thing many people use simply to stop the outside world for a few minutes and focus on putting their mind in order. It’s an invaluable skill to have, and one I am working to possess. I love to write, oddly enough, but I never know WHAT to write. I want to be one of those people that can just sit down and words flow, but as of now that is not me in the slightest. I know that when I get my creative juices flowing and allow my imagination to work, I am a much happier person. I want to use this weird diary/journal thing to hopefully inspire some ideas. I’m not expecting anything like a novel or a short story or anything. I just want to be able to think and follow a story progression in my head and have things in order chronologically, even if I can’t find a way to put it down in print. There’s likely at least one moment every day where my imagination completely overflows the limits of what I can put into the world.

I like the idea of writing because I think up stories and progressions in my head and I would love to be able to throw them down into written form. I like the idea of drawing because so many times I’ve designed something in my head, similarly to using AutoCAD or Autodesk Inventor, with all the dimensions coming off of it, relative spacing, attachment points, and more, but when I go to put pencil to paper I do a great job if I even get the general OUTLINE down. I just don’t have the skill in drawing to put my imagination on paper like that. I like the idea of coloring because rather than having to draw the shape, I just have to fill in the colors. On an abstract drawing, or any drawing without meaning, that means I can focus on color organization, and that gives me a modicum of control over my creativity, but not enough. Coloring never holds my attention for long. That didn’t stop me from getting a coloring book and some colored pencils, though, did it? Nope. To be fair, It’s another way I’m hoping to get my eyes off of the computer from playing games so much, and hopefully, create a Zen space in my thoughts.

I noticed that WordPress has these daily topics, but I consider them an almost word of the day. I’m rather curious if I’ll be able to find a way to do something with them or not. I would like to. I mean, if it can give me a topic each day that has nothing to do with my life specifically, then why not? It should (theoretically) get my creative juices going, but in such a way that I don’t have to prime the engine. I don’t know, but I’m curious to find out.

I noticed that WordPress has these daily topics, but I consider them an almost word of the day. I’m rather curious if I’ll be able to find a way to do something with them or not. I would like to. I mean, if it can give me a topic each day that has nothing to do with my life specifically, then why not? It should (theoretically) get my creative juices going, but in such a way that I don’t have to prime the engine. I don’t know, but I’m curious to find out.

 

Deuces

Multi-Volume Book Series

Multi-volume stories are some of the better things I’ve been exposed to. I’m a book lover by nature. I really appreciate a good fiction novel, preferably either a Sci-Fi or Historical Fiction, though current fiction works well, too. The biggest problem with a book, though, is that you are reading this fantastic story and suddenly the book is over. The characters are gone. Their lives, their loves, their hates, everything, gone as soon as you close the cover of the book. Everything you were rooting for, everything you became attached to, the feelings you get as a reader towards every detail of the story, all of those can’t just disappear. That is one of the worst feelings reading a book.

Enter the multi-volume story. Not only do you get to continue to love and hate along with the characters, but you get so much more time for character and plot development. You get so much longer to empathize with the FICTIONAL characters. I know it sounds crazy, but as a lover of fiction, you don’t read it just because there are words on a screen. You read it to immerse yourself in a world different from this one. Whether you are trying to escape or explore, you still want to be a part of a world other than the material world we are currently on, and what better way to do that than with our own imaginations? Let them provide the fuel for our happiness, just like they used to when we were children.

Volume

Deuces